happiness | davanti counselling

Your ‘weekend effect’ could depend on how happy you are in your job

Happiness levels in your job will depict how much you enjoy your weekends (pic courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos/net/Mr Lightman)

Happiness levels in your job will define how much you enjoy your weekends (pic courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos/net/Mr Lightman)

Do you live for the weekend, counting down the hours and minutes until clock-out time from work on Friday? Or is the weekend merely a continuation of a socially complete, happy lifestyle? The answer to that will depend on how satisfied you are with your job, how well you get on with your boss, and how much social interaction you have during the week with colleagues and friends outside work.

At least, that’s the conclusion from analysis of the ‘weekend effect’ on seven emotions – happiness, sadness, enjoyment, laughter, worry, anger and stress – of thousands of US workers in the Gallup/Healthways daily poll 2008-2012, carried out by John F. Helliwell and Shun Wang and published in an NBER paper.

They found that while stress levels were lower all round, there was no significant ‘weekend effect’ in terms of happiness or laughter for people who felt satisfied in life and work during the week. Their happiness remained pretty much constant across the span of seven days.

However, there was a marked difference in happiness levels for people who were miserable in their jobs, especially for those with micro-managing bosses and an environment where there was little trust. Their happiness levels were three times higher compared with people who had fulfilling work lives.

If five days out of seven are making you miserable, it could be time to look at why, and what you can do about it. If there’s a payoff for you at weekends, then fine. But if deep down you know you’re not living your potential or achieving what you’d always set out to achieve, then it might be time to explore some options that might just make you happier.

Can we be happy without feeling guilty?

Why does your happiness get judged, criticised or called selfish? What would happen if you allowed yourself to be happy – no strings attached? (pic courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net/Stuart Miles

What would happen if you allowed yourself to be happy – no strings attached? (pic courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net/Stuart Miles

As it’s the International Day of Happiness – a time for us all to reflect on what happiness means – I can say that the predominant aim of clients coming for private therapy is to feel happy. There is a lack in their lives, or a block, and if only that lack or block would move out the way – or, if other people in their lives would change – then they’d be happy. Yet very often that lack or block isn’t because of other people. It lies within.

I see it in clients who would love to do something creative – like write, draw, sing, dance, cook, paint, colouring in. Whatever makes them happy. Yet they say they’re “not creative” or “it won’t lead anywhere”. And so the potential happiness they could gain – from creating something unique that wouldn’t exist had they not created it – remains lost, unsaid, unwritten, unpainted, unsung.

People who yearn to feel happy can often feel selfish if (more…)

What entrepreneurs can teach us about happiness

Finding your own compass can be key to happiness in life (pic courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net/David Castillo Dominici)

Is happiness about following your own way in life? A thought-provoking article by Luke Johnson in the FT suggests it is. If so, then people seeking their purpose and potential in life could learn a lot from entrepreneurs.

People who choose to run their own businesses aren’t just doing it for the money – though that can be a benefit. They’re doing it to make their own choices in life, and to be in charge of their own destiny.

Even though the first years of being an entrepreneur can be tough – financially and personally – running their own show is preferable to being given orders by someone else. They know the link between reward and success, and they work hard to achieve what they really want. They get where they are through their own efforts, rather than jumping through hoops to impress a boss they don’t like to gain a promotion they may not particularly want. Even when they achieve higher status at work, this can bring additional pressures to impress a new boss, who may end up stealing their ideas and leaving the person feeling lost, frustrated and wondering what life is really all about.

If that’s how we’re feeling in life, then perhaps entrepreneurs have a lot to teach us. (more…)

Keep enjoying life to the full if you want to live longer, says report

The mobility of older people is linked to their wellbeing. (pic: istockphoto.com/Lisafx)

Walking briskly into older age is a key sign of vitality and wellbeing in the over-60s, and improves the odds for living longer. That’s the key finding of a study published by the Canadian Medical Association that researched enjoyment of life and declining physical function among 3,199 men and women aged 60-plus.

Researchers found that people who enjoy life to the full and feel happier are likely to be healthier, fitter and more active. Happier people also walk at a faster pace when they get older compared with people who are unhappy or depressed. Pensioners who felt good about life had fewer problems getting out of bed and getting ready in the mornings. Unhappy people, however, were 80% more likely to have problems with their daily functions, and were twice as likely to suffer from serious illnesses and impaired mobility.

So, putting a spring in your step could lead to a healthier, happier, longer life.

Talking and saying ‘thank you’ are key to relationship happiness

Being best friends and making your partner a cuppa contribute to relationship happiness. (pic :istockphoto.com/Dimedrol68)

Being best friends and making your partner a cup of tea contribute to relationship happiness. (pic: istockphoto.com/Dimedrol68)

Open, honest communication and the ability to unburden at the end of the day are key to relationship harmony – as are small gestures such as cuddles and making your partner a cup of tea. That’s one of the key findings from a new survey Enduring Love? Couple Relationships in the 21st Century from the Open University.

The two-year survey of more than 5,000 people found that shared values, ambitions and interests are important for relationship health, and people feel disappointed when they could not share the everyday experiences of life with their partner. Saying or showing love is highly valued and symbolised a closeness in the relationship, as is saying thank you and feeling appreciated. While big romantic gestures, such as bouquets of flowers, are enjoyed, it is the sentiment behind them that really counts. Being ‘best friends’ with one’s partner ranked highly for both men and women respondents. Arguments and poor communication are the least pleasant aspects of a relationship, the survey found.

When it comes to being parents, that survey has some interesting findings:

Childless couples are happier with their relationship than couples with children.
Parents put less effort into maintaining their relationship than childless couples do.
Fathers are less positive than childless men about the quality of their relationship.
Fathers are twice more likely than mothers “to include different needs or expectations around sexual intimacy in the things they like least about their relationship”.
Mothers want less sex than their partners do, but this apparently does not affect overall relationship satisfaction for either mothers or fathers.
Mothers are twice more likely than fathers to say children are the most important people in their lives, while for fathers the partner is the most important person.
Mothers are more negative about the quality of their relationship compared with childless women – but overall mothers are reported to be the happiest group of all.

When communication does break down, both women and men say they would use couple counselling as a source for support, help or advice. Men are more reluctant to ask for help, but women say they would consider both couple and individual counselling.

Ruth Sutherland, chief executive of Relate, says: “What this study shows us is that couples need to keep investing in their relationships. It’s reassuring to know, especially in these tough economic times, that it’s the small gestures of appreciation and affection, rather than the big romantic displays that really make the difference.”

Happiness 2014: how about giving up trying to please other people…?

For 2014, why not commit to being true to who you are - irregardless of the other person's reaction...? (pic: istockphoto.com.castillodominici)

For 2014, why not commit to being true to who you are – irregardless of whether other people accept or approve? (pic: istockphoto.com/castillodominici)

Apparently doing less is more in 2014. If you want to be happy, that is. Or it is according to a new book by Todd Patkin, who is quoted in an article as saying we should make 2014 the Year of the Quitter. His argument has a lot of truths in it. He advocates:

Letting go of relationships that drain you.
Stop being nice to people just so you think they’ll like you.
Forget thinking that being a workaholic is cool.
Stop putting such high expectations on yourself.
Stop comparing yourself to everyone else and what they’ve achieved.
Don’t live your life just to please others.
Stop trying to please your partner.
Stop putting so much pressure on your children.

Seems that his advice is to stop having such high, perfectionist standards. People who try to please others also have high expectations of reward, gratification and gratitude. Unfortunately, the pressure can be on the recipient of such people-pleasing behaviours. If he/she is not perceived to be sufficiently grateful and adoring then the response from the giver can be one of huffiness and passive-aggression. I think the advice on points 2 and 4 are the most salient.

2, because if you are just putting a nice face on to people, then what happens to your real face? Why tell a lie or contort your real self in a self-imposed pressure to be liked? Trying to please other people, if it compromises your true nature or what is in your heart, surely has to be a lie? So why perpetrate it, just because you want to be liked by somebody or are scared of hurting their feelings?

And 4, because it is often the high standards we set for ourselves that lead to our inner sense of failure. We give ourselves to-do lists that, frankly, can be impossible to fulfil. Are they a stick to beat ourselves with? Or a way to stretch ourselves and reach greater depths and breadths within ourselves?

Sometimes the line between the two can be rather slim. Check which side you’re standing on, to protect and build your own self-esteem.

Ultimately, if we do what we can with what we’ve got at the time, who’s to say we’re not good enough…?