relationships

Being best friends and making your partner a cuppa contribute to relationship happiness. (pic :istockphoto.com/Dimedrol68)

Being best friends and making your partner a cup of tea contribute to relationship happiness. (pic: istockphoto.com/Dimedrol68)

Open, honest communication and the ability to unburden at the end of the day are key to relationship harmony – as are small gestures such as cuddles and making your partner a cup of tea. That’s one of the key findings from a new survey Enduring Love? Couple Relationships in the 21st Century from the Open University.

The two-year survey of more than 5,000 people found that shared values, ambitions and interests are important for relationship health, and people feel disappointed when they could not share the everyday experiences of life with their partner. Saying or showing love is highly valued and symbolised a closeness in the relationship, as is saying thank you and feeling appreciated. While big romantic gestures, such as bouquets of flowers, are enjoyed, it is the sentiment behind them that really counts. Being ‘best friends’ with one’s partner ranked highly for both men and women respondents. Arguments and poor communication are the least pleasant aspects of a relationship, the survey found.

When it comes to being parents, that survey has some interesting findings:

Childless couples are happier with their relationship than couples with children.
Parents put less effort into maintaining their relationship than childless couples do.
Fathers are less positive than childless men about the quality of their relationship.
Fathers are twice more likely than mothers “to include different needs or expectations around sexual intimacy in the things they like least about their relationship”.
Mothers want less sex than their partners do, but this apparently does not affect overall relationship satisfaction for either mothers or fathers.
Mothers are twice more likely than fathers to say children are the most important people in their lives, while for fathers the partner is the most important person.
Mothers are more negative about the quality of their relationship compared with childless women – but overall mothers are reported to be the happiest group of all.

When communication does break down, both women and men say they would use couple counselling as a source for support, help or advice. Men are more reluctant to ask for help, but women say they would consider both couple and individual counselling.

Ruth Sutherland, chief executive of Relate, says: “What this study shows us is that couples need to keep investing in their relationships. It’s reassuring to know, especially in these tough economic times, that it’s the small gestures of appreciation and affection, rather than the big romantic displays that really make the difference.”

For 2014, why not commit to being true to who you are - irregardless of the other person's reaction...? (pic: istockphoto.com.castillodominici)

For 2014, why not commit to being true to who you are – irregardless of whether other people accept or approve? (pic: istockphoto.com/castillodominici)

Apparently doing less is more in 2014. If you want to be happy, that is. Or it is according to a new book by Todd Patkin, who is quoted in an article as saying we should make 2014 the Year of the Quitter. His argument has a lot of truths in it. He advocates:

Letting go of relationships that drain you.
Stop being nice to people just so you think they’ll like you.
Forget thinking that being a workaholic is cool.
Stop putting such high expectations on yourself.
Stop comparing yourself to everyone else and what they’ve achieved.
Don’t live your life just to please others.
Stop trying to please your partner.
Stop putting so much pressure on your children.

Seems that his advice is to stop having such high, perfectionist standards. People who try to please others also have high expectations of reward, gratification and gratitude. Unfortunately, the pressure can be on the recipient of such people-pleasing behaviours. If he/she is not perceived to be sufficiently grateful and adoring then the response from the giver can be one of huffiness and passive-aggression. I think the advice on points 2 and 4 are the most salient.

2, because if you are just putting a nice face on to people, then what happens to your real face? Why tell a lie or contort your real self in a self-imposed pressure to be liked? Trying to please other people, if it compromises your true nature or what is in your heart, surely has to be a lie? So why perpetrate it, just because you want to be liked by somebody or are scared of hurting their feelings?

And 4, because it is often the high standards we set for ourselves that lead to our inner sense of failure. We give ourselves to-do lists that, frankly, can be impossible to fulfil. Are they a stick to beat ourselves with? Or a way to stretch ourselves and reach greater depths and breadths within ourselves?

Sometimes the line between the two can be rather slim. Check which side you’re standing on, to protect and build your own self-esteem.

Ultimately, if we do what we can with what we’ve got at the time, who’s to say we’re not good enough…?